This morning I celebrate with a full and thankful heart. Today Amy and I have been married for five wonderful, amazing years! In fact I can say without hesitation or reservation that these past five years have been the best years of my life. Now I know some dutiful husbands may feel obligated to make such a claim at least once per year, if for no other reason than to woo the "nookie monster." And though I am not above occasionally mustering up and and strategically setting out all the sweet sugary ingredients necessary for, and in hopes of, cooking up a great "nookie," on this occasion my words are sincere and not just an attempt to pre-heat the oven. You see, I've lived some. I've been around the block more than once and, like most, have a story.
As many know, Amy is not my first wife. Nor my second. Nor my third. Yes - I am a three-time looser. Or at least this is how a part of me feels deep down. If there's one thing I've known how to be successful at over the course of my life it's been how to fail in marriage. For those who've experienced or maybe are currently experiencing the awfulness of divorce you already know the sick, empty, gut-wrenching, heart-dulling and shameful feelings that often accompany this journey. For me I felt everything and nothing - all at the same time. From moment to moment emotional wars ravaged my mind and my heart ranging from hurt to betrayal to guilt to anger to gloom, misery, hope, hopelessness, promise anew, and life no more. Just throw me in a heap labeled damaged goods and walk away.
Many did walk away. Close friends, acquaintances, church friends. Some walked away in anger. Some in discouragement. And others in judgment. To be honest, had I not been physically attached to myself, I probably would have walked away too - for all of the reasons listed above. And in many ways this is exactly what I did on the inside. I was, after all, a three time failure.
But let me tell you something about failure. My high school drama director, Jack Fisher, had a saying whenever we as a cast would emerge from a less than stellar rehearsal for a show. He would look at our despondent thespian faces, smile and say, "Where can you go from the basement?", and he'd look upwards and smile. And so would we. There is only one direction out of the basement, and that is up. Unless of course you decide to stay in the basement. Failure is only failure if we choose to quit.
I am not a quitter - though many would have advised me to do so when it came to relationships. Some in fact would piously stand upon religious rules and precepts quoting this and that in the name of a loving God in order to make sure I knew the error of my ways... just in case I didn't feel bad enough already! Some believe it's pretty hard to argue with religious laws, after all their Author is, well... God, and He has the all time best selling book in the entirety of history. But here's the thing. I know the Author. I have a personal relationship with the Author. And though I know the Author never intended anyone to suffer the pain and scars of divorce, I also know this Author is the same person who made a way for divorce because He also knew that we people are frail, imperfect, and live lives that are daily in need of do-overs and second and third and fourth, etc., chances. I know that more important to this Author than religion are relationships. His relationship with us, ours with Him, and yours and mine together. He has promised to never give up on us and so we can't ever give up on Him, one another, or ourselves - no matter what anyone, well intended or not, has to say.
And so I didn't give up. I didn't give in to thoughts and words that would have relegated me to a heap labeled damaged goods. I struggled to not believe the accusations that I was no longer fit for love, that I had nothing to offer. I resisted turning my back on my friend, the Author, accusing Him of writing me as such a lame looser of a character in a depressing daytime drama. What the heck? Have you ever noticed that people who believe in reincarnation were always somebody rich, powerful, famous, glamorous, influential, hot, sexy, and important in their former life's stories? They were never the guys or gals Mike Rowe has made a career out of profiling on his show "Dirty Jobs" on the Discovery Channel! People who clean up... poo... for a living! I don't even believe in reincarnation. So why was I cast as "that guy" - the "poo-guy!!" Yes - my friend the Author created me and set my story into action, but He's fond of allowing us to improv our way through our stories. Yes, I believe He's always a step or so ahead of us, knowing how, when, why, and where the plot will turn, but we the characters make our own choices and speak our own lines.
And this is what brings me to the title I chose for this post - "The Best Decision I Ever Made" - I believe this Author has a perfect story in mind for each of us. Perhaps we're all originally intended to be the uber-beings so many believe they are... or were... or might be... however, the realty seems to be that you and I are pretty good at completely, totally, and utterly messing up our lives as we improv our way through the pages and chapters of our stories. Here's the amazing thing - the Author knows it! He won't stand in the way of it, (something about free-will) and yet, when you and I might choose to tear up this manuscript filled with misfit and uncooperative characters He just turns the page and prepares for what's next. We would set the book down. We'd throw it out, but He never walks away. He never walks away, hands thrown up in frustration, discouragement, anger, ready to smite with His fiercest of smiting powers. Instead He stretches out His arms to you, and even to a three time loser like me, and waits for us to choose, to write the next line of our own story. Do we choose to listen to the judgment and condemnation of the grace-robbers, the law-givers, the negative, the nasty and run to take a flying swan dive into the heap, or do we choose to acknowledge that we are just really bad at improvising our way through life, at being perfect, that we are "that guy" and not the uber-studs we'd like to cast ourselves as, and instead run to those outstretched arms to find hope, to find healing, to find our way, do-overs, and grace. Grace. AMAZING GRACE!
The best decision I ever made was not really directly associated in any way with the anniversary of the happy, healthy, vital, fun, exciting, loving and challenging anniversary I am so thankful to be celebrating with my wife Amy today, but it is one of the results of this decision. The best decision I ever made was, when facing utter dispair, frustration, failure, to run as fast as I could into the arms of grace though I deserved it the least, but need it the most. Because what I found there was hope. Hope inspired faith and faith lead to love. I've never known love as love has fallen over me these past five years. The best decision I ever made has lead me to experience and share the greatest love I've ever known. I love you Amy!
So I've made at least one great decision out of about a billion not so great decisions. Not a fabulous average, I know. If only I had made a better decision about Enron as well! Not a problem - For as my friend, the Author has penned:
"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
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